Working Through Trust Issues in a Relationship

In Yellowstone National Park in Wyoming, every hour or so, Old Faithful, the iconic geyser that attracts many visitors from across the US and the world, erupts for at least a minute. With temperatures reaching around 204°F, a few thousand gallons of hot water gush out of the geyser each time it erupts. Despite being dormant twice over the last century, the name ‘Old Faithful’ is a well-earned moniker. You can count on the spectacle of seeing the geyser erupt.

One of the most precious commodities in a relationship is trust. Trust takes time to build and can be shattered in mere moments. If trust issues develop in a relationship, they undermine the foundation of the relationship and make it hard for it to function as before.

Trust Issues in a Relationship

When you say you trust someone, what do you mean? Trusting a person is making a statement about what we know of the person. We have seen enough of how they react in various situations to consider them reliable. You can predict what they’ll do, not because they are boring and follow the same script even in novel situations, but because you know their character. They will act consistently with who they are.

Just like Old Faithful, a trustworthy person will show up when you need them to. If they don’t, you know without asking that there must be a good reason for it. This is quite different from the person who is unreliable and therefore untrustworthy. You can’t predict whether they’ll show up, and you can’t believe them when they give you reasons why they can’t show up.

In a relationship, trust issues are doubts or concerns about whether one’s partner is being honest, faithful, or reliable. A relationship is a web of behaviors, attitudes, emotions, and words, and trust issues can affect how you experience each of these. Your trust issues might relate to your loved one’s communication or their behavior. However, it’s also possible to have trust issues that have nothing to do with your loved one.

You might have trust issues that are rooted in your own past experiences. If you’ve been abandoned before by a loved one, like a romantic partner or parent, you might feel a fear of rejection or abandonment. Past trauma or betrayal, being invalidated, unheard, belittled, or unsupported by loved ones can leave you struggling to be vulnerable with others. Old hurt can unfairly inform present trust issues with a current partner.

Your trust issues may, however, be linked to your partner’s actions and words. You may not trust the way they communicate with you, feeling that they may be speaking dishonestly, acting in less than transparent ways, or that they may be withholding information or keeping secrets from you. You may struggle to trust them if they don’t welcome accountability or they are evasive and defensive when you ask questions.

Trust issues may also be rooted in a person’s behaviors. If a loved one disregards your boundaries after you’ve communicated them, or if there are issues of gaslighting and manipulation, that could lead to trust issues. A loved one who is financially dishonest or secretive may also generate distrust, and if there are struggles with addiction or substance abuse, that could also add up to inconsistent and untrustworthy behaviors.

It is important to recognize that trust issues can sometimes be localized to specific areas of your life together. For instance, past infidelity or breaches of trust, whether physical or emotional, can lead to fear of future infidelity. It may be hard to trust that partner regarding fidelity, but you could still trust them to show up for the kids or to follow through on jobs they said they would do around the house.

The Causes of Trust Issues in Relationships

It’s come up a few times, but trust issues don’t just happen. At some point, the trust that’s been built is broken, making it hard to exercise trust in that particular area. Trust can be broken through past experiences of trauma and acts of betrayal. These experiences may or may not be linked to your current partner. Nonetheless, they affect your ability to trust them.

Trust issues may result for other reasons, too. Communicating poorly or failing to resolve conflict effectively can lead to trust issues. The reason for this is that you may not have fully identified the issue or resolved the issue by pinpointing specific actions to be taken. When issues arise again, it’s not because one’s partner is unreliable per se, but that clear parameters were never set, or expectations clearly communicated.

A person’s low self-esteem and insecurity can also contribute to trust issues. Again, it might not necessarily be that their partner has acted in an untrustworthy way. If you feel like you’re not good enough or can’t accept that your partner truly loves you, you might struggle to trust them deeply and fully. You’ll continue waiting for the other shoe to drop and hold yourself back from fully trusting.

Lastly, you might develop trust issues because of your own expectations and values. If you have unrealistic expectations of your partner, for instance, if you expect them to meet your every need, you’ll be disappointed. If you and your partner have conflicting understandings of values like honesty or loyalty, that can also lead to disappointment and trust issues because your standards weren’t met.

Pinpointing Trust Issues in Your Relationship

Trust issues can pop up in a relationship for a dizzying number of reasons, and some of these don’t have anything to do with the actions one’s partner performs. This means trust issues can sometimes be subtle.

Some signs of trust issues to look out for in your relationship include the following:

⁠Constantly questioning or interrogating one’s partner

You may find yourself constantly interrogating or questioning your partner, being hypervigilant and constantly checking to see where they are, what they are doing, and who with.

Being defensive

Trust issues could manifest in denial or becoming defensive. You may respond to genuine inquiries and accountability by being defensive instead of responding with honesty and openness.

Making accusations or assumptions

One or both of you may accuse each other of untrustworthy behavior, or make assumptions that as-yet-unexplained behavior is underhanded or untrustworthy.

Withdrawal or avoidance

Being silent and unresponsive, avoiding conversations and conflict, avoiding emotional and physical intimacy, not sharing plans or personal thoughts and feelings. People who trust each other can be open because it feels safe.

Rebuilding Trust in a Relationship

When trust is eroded in a relationship, it affects the foundation of the relationship itself. If you can’t share freely, you hinder good communication, vulnerability, intimacy, and so much more. It’s important to identify why trust has been eroded and then attempt to rebuild it. It takes time to build and rebuild trust.

Some of the ways to begin building and rebuilding trust include the following:

Honest and open communication

It may be hard, but without honest communication, it’s impossible to build trust. Communicate openly with each other, whether it’s your misgivings, fears, or areas of frustration.

Forgiveness

There’s a place for forgiveness in rebuilding trust. Whether it’s forgiveness for past wrongs, forgiveness for making unjustified assumptions, or an unwarranted lack of trust, forgiveness can help a couple reset and begin afresh. “Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you” (Colossians 3:13, NIV).

Take time to self-reflect

It’s important to recognize and challenge your personal expectations where they’re unreasonable. Even where you consider them reasonable, understanding them can help you better articulate them, and in your quest to be flexible, find common ground and mutual compromise.

Act consistently

Rebuilding trust is about acting consistently with what you know. It takes time to rebuild trust, and it will happen through consistent behavior and follow-through.

Seek counseling or therapy

Counseling can be a safe space to explore past traumas and experiences that have led to present trust issues. Through counseling, you can learn how to be vulnerable and empathetic, develop your listening skills, and address conflicts constructively. Your counselor can help you rebuild what was broken, strengthening your relationship for its next season.

To get help working through trust issues in your relationship, contact our offices today. The counselors and therapists at our location can help you address the causes of your trust issues and move forward into deeper, more secure relationships.