Christian Advice for Newlyweds

As a Christian, you may or may not have been offered marriage counseling before the wedding. Some pastors require premarital counseling, while others only offer their services if you encounter an issue.

The problem with waiting until there is a problem is that you are not equipped to handle it, turning a minor disagreement into a major deal breaker. Seeking Christian marriage advice at any stage of your marriage can help keep the communication lines open and retain trust.

Tips for the Newly Married

A Christian marriage is the visible manifestation of the invisible reality of God’s love for the church. This beautiful vision comes with weighty responsibilities and challenges. How can a man and a woman come together to reflect the divine mystery? What life should they lead to tell God’s love story through their love story?

The truth is, we fall short more often than we would like to admit. Amidst the busyness and demands of married life, it is easy to lose track of the beautiful vision for marriage that the Bible presents. However, married couples need not endure this crucible alone.

By seeking advice for newlyweds from other married Christians or Christian counselors who can meld psychology with faith-based principles, they can increase the likelihood that they will stay married and be able to weather the storms of life.

Keep Christ centered in the marriage

Hectic lives, careers, and responsibilities can make us feel like we have no time left to attend church or sleep. Keeping Christ in the marriage is the first step in a long-lasting relationship. Christ should be the foundation, the cornerstone, of your union. Without Jesus, your relationship will not have a solid rock to stand on when the storms of life rage.

Learn to pray together daily. Consider starting a Bible reading plan and discussing what you read. Your marriage will remain strong when your values align with God’s words and commandments.

Practice active listening

One of the best pieces of advice for newlyweds is to practice active listening. Many of us don’t listen carefully to others. We are often too busy thinking about what we will say next. Listening and asking your spouse questions shows you are genuinely interested in what they have to say.

One thing you can start doing today is to practice reflecting back to your spouse what they just said, then ask whether you understood them correctly. Don’t share your response until they feel fully understood. This practice not only trains you to be quick to listen and slow to speak (James 1:19), but also helps you step into your spouse’s shoes, promoting empathy and a deeper connection in your marriage.

Avoid the “Four Horsemen” in communication

The Four Horsemen is a term coined by Dr. John and Julie Gottman to describe four destructive communication styles that were shown in their research to predict divorce. They are: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.

Criticis attacks a person’s character rather than a specific behavior, while contemp goes further by expressing superiority and putting the other person down. Both are personal attacks and often trigger defensivenes, where a person denies responsibility and counters with their spouse’s faults. If this pattern continues, it can lead to stonewallin, an emotional shutdown where a partner withdraws, gives minimal responses, or leaves to escape the conflict.

A counselor trained in the Gottman method can teach you the necessary skills to discuss difficult issues without resorting to these destructive strategies.

There’s nothing too petty

In my work in both clinical and ministry contexts, couples often avoid having certain conversations because they feel “petty” to bring up. However, without being properly resolved, these “petty” issues often snowball into big conflicts down the road.

A successful marriage cultivates a safe space where these “unacceptable” feelings and thoughts can be shared and worked through lovingly. As couples get better at being honest with each other about what bothers them, they gradually learn to overlook offenses and become quick to forgive.

Don’t compromise. Sacrifice

By “don’t compromise,” I don’t mean never negotiate, work out differences, or advocate for what you need. Instead, I mean, don’t expect a 50-50 split in your marriage all the time. If you want it fair, you can negotiate compensation in a corporate job.

But in a marriage, it is about each spouse giving themselves to the other person fully and freely. In my experience, the language of “compromise” can sometimes lead couples to keep score, turning the relationship into a transaction rather than a union.

The mystery of life that was revealed in the story of Jesus is this: when you give up your life for the right reason, you find more life on the other side. This is true for everything in life, especially marriage. As you learn to die to yourself for the sake of your union, you become more of yourself.

For example, maybe you love to eat out at restaurants, but your spouse wants to save more money. After a discussion, you agree that you will only go to a restaurant once a week as a couple. The rest of the week, you will eat at home and save money.

This is not merely a compromise for individual happiness. Rather, I encourage couples to see this as dying to self for the sake of their union. In this mutual self-denial, the one who loves eating out can discover meaning in home-cooked meals, while the one who wants to save money can discover joy in a nice night out.

Date each other

Spend quality time together by keeping a dating mindset. What were some of the things you enjoyed doing together before marriage? Plan date nights out, movie nights at home, or game nights on the weekends. Map out trails to hike or beaches you want to visit.

Honor each other by treating your spouse as your best friend. You like spending quality time with your best friends, even if the activity only makes them happy. Make a list of date ideas for home and about town.

Take time to be alone

Date nights and quality time together are wonderful and help to build emotional intimacy with your spouse. However, you must also learn to be interdependent and independent from your spouse. Being alone to pursue your favorite activities and hobbies can strengthen your bond. You build self-assurance and confidence.

You can separate your role as husband or wife from being just you. Maybe this appears as creative, athletic, bookish, or a fitness version of you. Having independent interests doesn’t mean you aren’t wholly committed to your marriage.

Build a culture of appreciation

We take them for granted when we live with someone for a long time. Spouses sometimes fulfill their duties on autopilot, doing activities such as making breakfast, cleaning the kitchen, finishing the laundry, and taking out the trash. Most of the couples that I have worked with have had one thing in common: they do not express appreciation for their spouse often enough, or even at all.

Dr. John Gottman’s research suggests a “magic ratio” of 5:1 in healthy marriages: about five positive interactions for every negative one, especially during conflict. A large part of couples therapy is not just conflict resolution but also building a culture of appreciation.

Maybe as part of your morning routine, your spouse brings you coffee. Say, “Thank you.” It seems like a minor thing but acknowledging what your spouse is doing with a simple thank you will deepen your bond and make your spouse feel seen.

Worship together

Worshipping together brings you closer to each other by drawing you closer to God. Whether you worship at church, at home, or in the car, spend time daily or weekly as a couple singing your praises to Him. Worshipping and serving together in the church will unite you.

Respect boundaries

Just because someone is your spouse does not mean you have the right to cross boundaries. Establish boundaries early in the marriage, and out of love and honor, respect those boundaries. Boundaries can include anything from what you will not tolerate in the bedroom to accessing your computer and phone without your permission.

Communicate your boundaries and respect your spouse’s boundaries. If a boundary seems odd, ask about it. There may be a deeper reason your spouse insists on something. For example, maybe an ex-girlfriend used to scroll through his phone and make comments to other women, so he has asked you not to look through his phone without his permission.

Forgive often

Forgiveness is often needed in marriage. You will both make mistakes throughout the years. They might be small and ridiculous mistakes or monumental mess-ups. Learn to forgive the other person without holding it over their head. Forgive the way Jesus forgave you. Extend mercy and grace to your spouse and ask them to do the same to you.

That being said, abuse is another matter and does not belong in a healthy marriage. You can forgive, and for your own mental health, you should, but do not place yourself back into a toxic or dangerous situation. Seek help right away if your spouse is abusive.

Understand finances

People who lead independent lives before marriage may struggle to combine finances. If this is you, take heart. There are ways to manage your money and reach financial goals. You can combine your money into shared accounts. You can also maintain separate accounts and assign someone responsible for specific bills.

Many people find combining accounts the easiest way to fund their lives. Plus, you still have access to the accounts in the event of a sickness or death. Many couples fight over finances. Don’t let this be you by educating yourself on budgeting, savings, checking, and investments.

Seek Christian marriage counseling

Contact our office today at Texas Christian Counseling, Rowlett, to schedule a session with me or another Christian counselor in Rowlett, Texas to discuss advice for newlyweds or help at any stage of your marriage. Your union is blessed by God, and you want to keep it as healthy as possible, but no one is born knowing how to manage the obstacles couples face. Don’t do it alone. Call us today to learn the necessary lifelong skills to build a strong marriage.