5 “As” for Dealing with Resentment in Marriage

A perfect marriage does not exist. Some marriages are struggling, some are flourishing and healthy, some are dysfunctional, characterized by resentment, and some are happy. But perfect marriages – meaning marriages where there are no issues and all needs and expectations are met as desired – are quite likely an ideal that is rarely, if ever, realized.

In any given marriage, there are two people with distinct personalities, needs, stresses, gifts, and abilities. Even with the best of intentions, two such imperfect people are bound to offend one another, either through what they do or what they leave undone. When that happens, the couple can deal with it in ways that bring life to the marriage, or they can address it in ways that spark anger and cause the situation to spiral further downward.

Resentment is one of the sentiments that can take root in a marriage and undermine its health. Dealing with it swiftly and decisively is one of the best things you can do to help you and your spouse toward a happier marriage.

What is resentment?

Resentment is the feeling of anger or indignation that often results when a person is treated unfairly, taken advantage of, or emotionally wounded in any other way. It is a complex and multilayered emotion that combines disappointment, disgust, and anger. Resentment can set in after a single incident, but it often takes root after a pattern of behavior emerges.

Resentment often compounds over time. When we feel resentful toward a person, it can present in a variety of ways. It could look like us pretending to be happy and smiling at them to cover our true feelings toward them, or it manifests in speaking in a sarcastic or demeaning way to or about the person we feel resentful toward.

What can cause resentment in a marriage?

Given that resentment can drastically affect how people relate to and perceive one another, if it happens in the close quarters of a marriage relationship, it can have devastating results on that relationship. There are several possible causes of resentment, ranging from betrayal to unkind speech. However, in my clinical experience, I have found that people often miss the more subtle causes, like:

Lack of Appreciation When there is no culture of appreciation in a marriage, it can often lead to one or both spouses feeling taken advantage of or taken for granted. All of us have a sense of self-worth, and we desire to be appreciated and acknowledged for our gifts.

For example, if one spouse is kind enough to do the chores of the other and there is no appreciation from the other spouse, that can set feelings of resentment in motion. At some point, even the kindest person will feel resentful if the other person pushes it often enough.

Unspoken and Unmet Expectations When two people enter an intimate relationship, such as marriage, they do so with expectations. These are both named and unnamed. Sometimes those expectations are reasonable, and sometimes they may not be. Regardless, these expectations often represent deep-seated worldview and dreams that will take many conversations throughout the marriage to work through.

Unfortunately, many marriages fail to create a safe environment where these expectations can be articulated and negotiated, leading to compounding resentment and distance over time. For instance, if one spouse has an expectation that the other will help with the kids, or with the chores, or that they will step in when they see their partner struggling, and that doesn’t happen, it can set the chain reaction toward resentment.

Lacking Forgiveness and the ability to ask for Forgiveness While forgiveness involves letting go of past offenses, asking for forgiveness requires the ability to acknowledge one’s shortcomings without becoming defensive. The two are closely connected.

Although it is possible to forgive someone without any action from the offender, forgiveness and reconciliation are often greatly facilitated when the offender can genuinely repent and articulate the extent of the hurt caused by their behavior. A marriage that is deficient in both the ability to ask for forgiveness and to extend forgiveness has little protection against the infection of resentment.

The Effect of Resentment on the Couple

Resentment can have the effect of alerting a person to what matters to them. Because we typically don’t get affected by what we don’t care about, our reaction of anger reveals what we care about. From that perspective, if we find ourselves feeling surprisingly resentful about something our spouse said or did, it can present us with an opportunity to explore our own feelings and have a conversation with them.

Resentment has a variety of negative effects on the person experiencing it. These can undermine feelings of warmth and desire toward one’s spouse. This is in addition to the negative impact on their self-perception and how they relate to others.

When you feel resentment toward someone, you can have feelings that include being touchy or on edge when thinking of or dealing with the person you resent. This is often accompanied by a denial of any feelings of anger or hatred against this person. However, despite those denials, it’s easier to be provoked to anger toward them because of the lurking resentment.

Resentment can also generate more long-term effects in the relationship. This includes developing a hostile, cynical, or sarcastic attitude toward them that can become a huge barrier against good communication and a healthy relationship. Resentment can also stunt your personal and emotional growth as it makes it difficult for you to trust, be vulnerable, and disclose yourself to your spouse and others.

Resentment may also lead to a loss of self-confidence as you dwell on the negative emotions it stirs up. When you interact with the people or places that remind you of past mistreatment, you may feel invisible or inadequate. This can cause old feelings of anger and bitterness to resurface and grow stronger.

Feeling resentful can trigger unwanted memories of wrongdoing or pain, and it may cause you to fear or avoid situations or people who bring up these negative emotions. Doing this to protect yourself and your own well-being, it can create a wedge in your relationships. It may even make you want to leave the relationship.

Thus, resentment has the potential to severely undermine the person who feels it, to warp their feelings toward the person they resent, and to make the relationship an inhospitable space. Getting resentment under control is of the utmost importance if a marriage is to survive and flourish.

The 5 “A”s to Address Resentment in a Marriage

I credit the 5 “A”s to Pastor Tony from True Love Community Church, who provided premarital counseling to me and my wife. It has proved its effectiveness not only in my own marriage, but also in the relationships of the couples that I have worked with in clinical practice.

The 5 “A”s are meant to keep resentment from quietly building up in a marriage. Over time, couples can fall into unhealthy patterns that slowly wear away at their ability to be gracious and understanding toward one another.

The 5 “A”s help break these patterns by creating space to speak gently and honestly with one another. Checking in will help a couple keep a short account. They can address issues sooner rather than later so that any feelings of anger don’t fester or calcify into resentment. For couples who are new to this, I recommend having 5 “A”s at least once a day.

Appreciation Always begin with appreciation. Not only does this help your spouse feel valued, but it also trains you to actively notice what you are thankful for in them. Over time, this cultivates gratitude and creates a culture of encouragement in the home, which goes a long way in protecting a marriage from resentment.

Say, “I appreciate that you are…” and give a specific example of when they demonstrated that quality. I recommend sharing at least three appreciations before moving on to the next step.

Apology Ask, “What have I done recently that hurt or offended you?” Listen to understand, not to win. Reflect what your spouse says and make sure you understand what specifically hurt them about your actions. This step helps the speaker express thoughts and feelings without becoming critical, while helping the listener practice staying non-defensive.

The ability to empathize without saying “yes, but…” or turning the conversation into a courtroom debate is an essential skill in a healthy marriage. Once you clearly understand the hurt, ask for forgiveness for that specific offense. Avoid vague, blanket apologies that sound more like damage control than genuine repentance.

Ask Ask, “What can I do for you?” This allows your spouse to express their needs and expectations. Ask clarifying questions if needed. Some issues can be resolved quickly, while others may require many rounds of the 5 “A”s over months or even years before real resolution happens. The heart behind this step is to communicate: “I love you, and I want to make life better for our family.”

Affection This could be a three-second kiss, a one-minute hug, holding hands, or sex – whatever is appropriate in the moment. The goal is to reestablish physical closeness and remind each other that you are on the same team. In some ways, it is like telling two children to “hug it out” after a fight.

Amen If the first three steps cultivate emotional connection and the fourth restores physical intimacy, this final step focuses on spiritual intimacy. It reminds the couple that they are not alone in their struggles but united through Christ. It is an acknowledgment that both husband and wife need God’s help to soften their hearts and die to the sinful parts of themselves.

Despite its simplicity and effectiveness, the 5 “A”s are primarily preventive in nature. For some couples, resentment has built up and festered over such a long period of time that even simple conversations quickly escalate into painful and destructive fights.

In such cases, having a third party, such as a therapist, who can help them walk through the process, is a great way to be accountable and gain the skills to forgive and overcome resentment. To learn more about how a therapist can help your marriage, reach out to our office today.